Lonely. (someone knows that too well)

I really think you're special, but it sounds vague when I say it. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I have a good feeling.

Most of my sense is gone. I let it go. I'll hate it when someone asks me, "Where'd you go?" because 1) I don't know, 2) I know why, but didn't do anything about it and 3) I know I've been such a pushover loner. But I won't complain when someone will. Not in front of you, maybe.

I tried to listen, but I didn't do whatever in your advice was. I am ashamed because it's like I distrusted those words. Well, that's what I DID, not what I thought, but the other one matters more to life! X_X

I can't stay like a dead kid forever like this.

I still have struggles with myself. I'm not sure if it was a problem left in the past or a new one, but if it was in the past, I guess it shouldn't have mattered now because I was so ready to leave that behind last year. Something happened this year. I grew cowardly again.

Maybe it was nothing that I thought was something, (that's why I'm being so vague with '-things').

But I was NEVER okay ALONE. >_<>_< I want to learn from others too. <~ Those were the phrases ringing back and forth my head every single day since 2nd quarter of 2nd year.

...


I can cut this all off, I know. It might hurt.


Now that I think about it, I'm not just lonely, I'm bored better than hell, easily stupefied, less intelligent, careless, forgetful, more lazy then usual, dead-faced, less efficient in talking and expressing myself, a little hopeless.

Ugh, these are one of those times I don't want to write or draw anything creative because I'm not well! Ugh! If I can't fix myself, how could I be a better a person, have a sound body and mind so I can make or do things well. I hate this feeling.

I've made my life unmanageable. ACK. I suck for that.

***

Praise. Hm, well when I had lots of it, I started expecting a lot out of myself. It was healthy then, and I learned more than I usually did. But I was hoping I could make my life a better one this year (knowing a lot about people last year). But I guess the people in my class are a bad combination, even though there are some awesome people too. There are honest people too, but there are even more 'plastic' people. I guess I've become one of them. *sigh*

Socializing is a skill. We can only choose to use what we know. Other than that will make you fall into incompetence. I didn't choose what I knew because I didn't know what would happen next. I NEVER even tried. All those promises I told people that I would try, I broke. I chose to fail.

I chose wrong. I'm sorry, because it could have hurt people too, if they knew.

They might. Someone might already know 'cause she's so smart.

I'm sorry God.


Love,
I'm not feeling fine. Class is itchy. My drama sounds like a manga.