BIGO - who would want to read about that?

The reason why people always leave me is because I don't do anything. Well maybe except this. I sit -- with my timid pals -- and talk about mundane things (and school work, that's the only important one) and never go anywhere else then the canteen and think too much in silences between conversations that happen too often. So much for a failure to do. So much for that recollection. I wasted everything I ever wanted. Why do I keep doing that? Why do I have to lose some awesome friend after everytime something nice happens? It's so irritating, I irritate myself for that.

I know I never tried lying to myself, I know I never tried to be this way, but I did, so how could know if I didn't lie to myself? So irritating.

Problem is, the "out of fear" choice is still available for me. Dammit. Even that dramafest? Hah, it was slightly that, and I wanted to try something else. Pat kasi so strong and enforcing. But I'm thankful for that.

I guess we really can't help it if we need certain kinds of people, and miss out on certain people too. We all need people to cover up for our crappy selves. Here's the thing though: "The power is yours" WOW. Captain Planet, he's a hero. Thanks Heleina. YOU make me laugh. *hug*

No matter how crappy (my) life is, there's always a lesson. *nod*

Yes, that wasn't JUST the lesson.

I won't promise anything anymore to myself, I'll just promise that I'll do it na lang. I think I'm too stressed out to remember promises. UGH. I hate that.

Hoh wait. I think I already promised myself that.

O_________O *stretched by the wind*

stuckendrunken

I'm playing Literari in ym with Heleina.

--

I like that feeling when you feel so happy you're too happy to worry about your problems. Sadly, the problem still lingers, and you start to forget about it. You move on, slowly and sadly.

>.<

I'm a simple person, really. I hope I'm right this time.

Late / I wish I had a coffeemaker / Arrogant

All I know about the Twilight movie is that Jasper looked constipated, as I heard it.

I still have yet to read the book.

~

Tomorrow we're going to Bulacan, but I'm not really interested in writing about that.

One day, just the past week, I had donuts I wanted to share. They were only small pieces, my dad was hungry. I'm so glad Heleina's there. I know I'm not glad for people who weren't there, but I didn't really try to look for them. My fault.

My fault why I'm feeling so bad. It's so hard to feel bad for something you know you did, and can't talk it out to someone only to yourself when it comes out, wow so wrong timing.

What we say shows what we've done with our lives, very. I know now. Maybe again. (HUH)

I don't really waver off topic much now just to make things exciting for people. I used to, yes. I used to enjoy it so much, when suddenly more important things in my life try to teach me lessons. I'm learning. I'm growing. Yay. But I still feel so brain-dead.

I keep my fingers ONLY crossed and do little to save my connections with people. I'm leading my own sadness. Nothing seems to change that part of me. As much as I want to, I feel disoriented, drifty and out of place. Sometimes I think I don't belong with the people I'm with in the classroom, but I don't know how to go about it after I try to tell them that. In general, nobody seems to blend in near-perfectly.

Problems? If you ask me, I won't say much. But I feel like there's always something I don't say to you. I don't want to get used to shutting up, but I already am. >.<>

The Pahimis Blend I bought from Cafe' Amadeo smells really nice, I mean what coffee doesn't? From that Agriculture field trip, I learned that the Civet eats only the sweetest coffee beans than poops them out without the shell. It's the most expensive kind of coffee bean. So fresh.

I need something else to do...

Sometimes, I try to talk it out to someone, but she doesn't really understand. I don't have the courage (wtf) to talk about to someone who'll really understand.

Talks to self: Oh come on, you know this isn't supposed to be epic like that.

Lonely. (someone knows that too well)

I really think you're special, but it sounds vague when I say it. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I have a good feeling.

Most of my sense is gone. I let it go. I'll hate it when someone asks me, "Where'd you go?" because 1) I don't know, 2) I know why, but didn't do anything about it and 3) I know I've been such a pushover loner. But I won't complain when someone will. Not in front of you, maybe.

I tried to listen, but I didn't do whatever in your advice was. I am ashamed because it's like I distrusted those words. Well, that's what I DID, not what I thought, but the other one matters more to life! X_X

I can't stay like a dead kid forever like this.

I still have struggles with myself. I'm not sure if it was a problem left in the past or a new one, but if it was in the past, I guess it shouldn't have mattered now because I was so ready to leave that behind last year. Something happened this year. I grew cowardly again.

Maybe it was nothing that I thought was something, (that's why I'm being so vague with '-things').

But I was NEVER okay ALONE. >_<>_< I want to learn from others too. <~ Those were the phrases ringing back and forth my head every single day since 2nd quarter of 2nd year.

...


I can cut this all off, I know. It might hurt.


Now that I think about it, I'm not just lonely, I'm bored better than hell, easily stupefied, less intelligent, careless, forgetful, more lazy then usual, dead-faced, less efficient in talking and expressing myself, a little hopeless.

Ugh, these are one of those times I don't want to write or draw anything creative because I'm not well! Ugh! If I can't fix myself, how could I be a better a person, have a sound body and mind so I can make or do things well. I hate this feeling.

I've made my life unmanageable. ACK. I suck for that.

***

Praise. Hm, well when I had lots of it, I started expecting a lot out of myself. It was healthy then, and I learned more than I usually did. But I was hoping I could make my life a better one this year (knowing a lot about people last year). But I guess the people in my class are a bad combination, even though there are some awesome people too. There are honest people too, but there are even more 'plastic' people. I guess I've become one of them. *sigh*

Socializing is a skill. We can only choose to use what we know. Other than that will make you fall into incompetence. I didn't choose what I knew because I didn't know what would happen next. I NEVER even tried. All those promises I told people that I would try, I broke. I chose to fail.

I chose wrong. I'm sorry, because it could have hurt people too, if they knew.

They might. Someone might already know 'cause she's so smart.

I'm sorry God.


Love,
I'm not feeling fine. Class is itchy. My drama sounds like a manga.

Which What Connected to What? and complaining.

My sentiments to my last blog... it shall burn.

Ugh. This sucks. I haven't been making things.

I haven't talked to my seatmate yet. Like even small talk. Getting to know talk. Learning about your past talk. <-- Shows how paranoid I am of knowing things about her before I met her.

I have met people(and been friends) with people I've heard about first before meeting them. But (just because she's connected to some person close to me) I can't start with any word. So, I have nothing left to say. At all. Seriously. O_O It's scary. I don't want to do it again. It makes me forget my own opinions.

I was thinking of actually describing my situation scientifically, but nah, I don't have the facts for it. Sudden urges have been poopin' all over my life. MUST CONTROL. MUST CONTROL SELF.

And speaking of urges, I miss my dark chocolate. Mm. m.

^After I looked at everything I just wrote, I remembered 'Love, Stargirl'. Well, it doesn't matter anyway as long as I say what I need to say. As long as something's happening to me.

But nothing's happening in my life. I have to work harder. pop.

Thank you ma. For caring. For making an appointment with that psychaiatrist. Thank you pa. For spoiling me with hugs and mushy stuff and words and stories of your past which we will never ever go back to. Honestly.

So please... I hope I'm ridden of this hard sheeelll...

Sheeellll.

Gas... prices up. UGH. Stop randomness. Now.