VERSION 2. STRONGER BETTER FASTER STRONGER (I deleted version 1 because it was too confusing)
When I take a day for nothing, it feels like it's a week. And when I take a week for nothing, it feels like about half a month. When I take a month for nothing, it'll feel like a year.
It's like my brain is asking for the next bigger unit, which is natural for everyone, since the brain has the ability to use learned facts (units) from school and in life. It's like learning differences, but using the memory of chronicle.
Recently, the years have been feeling like months or 2, compared to my eariler years. It means I have a life now, not like in grade school.
I think I have less of a life this school year though, compared to my freshman year. I barely do anything important besides school-related work. I never considered school-ing to be a life anyway, just a fraction of it. But I hang out with Heleina and we go to each other's homes. I wonder if she has any more friends she talks to like she does with me. I'm not sure if she would tell me if she had. She's kind of an aesthetic. She's probably all about the important social stuff, I don't mean the specifics.
Now that I think about it, I guess if she had any friends like that, I bet she'd tell me about it and we'd be one group, etc. since she likes more 'cause it's merrier.
The 'group' used to be three actually. It was established out of a gathering in a forum with honest answers and questions. We were like the Power Puff Girls, and perhaps, it was really like that. Just thinking about it like that tickles me to the nerves. My heart was especially jumpy and hyper then (due to a sudden wave of action in my life), so I was the epitome of 'balanced optimism and criticism', because of the effect of the cynical Mr. Blessed Devil on me and as well as Joanne. But I got most of my balance from Joanne. (Yes, they beat my family tree).
I don't talk to AA much recently, and it's been such a huge rash on the back of my head. I'm a little confused of what I set myself to thinking or doing, but I did the confusing out of fear and reluctance, so I did everything by myself. I'm not at all proud with that, but at least I got the random-ness symptom out of myself for being too critical with my outlook. I guess I needed the space from my instant-noodle paradise. Yes, my good life happened THAT fast. Seriously, just a few minutes on stage acting actually gave me an instant(ly dead) fan club (with macho fan girls who I couldn't fend off alone because I just started softball) and a boom-ful of friends out of nowhere. What the hell indeed!
Okay, back to today. It seems like I can move on without most of those friends, but it still feels like I'm too guilty to want that. They never did anything to me, so why am I thinking that? To not hurt myself? No, avoiding them hurts me and probably them too. To not hurt them? But I don't even know if that will hurt them or not. Still a lot of questions, that's all I see.
I'd like to ask them, but I've been carrying all my guilt and actions all school-year and I'm not sure what has changed in them. I will never know, unless I start a conversation with them. I won't know either if I am rejected or not if I don't try, but that's easier said then said to them personally. O.O
I have a feeling one day when my hurt, fear and problems are gone, I will surely despise reading this again. This is something for further notice.
This is a bad habit of mine. When something personal arouses, I try not to tell anyone about it, because (1) it's difficult to explain firsthand, (2) when it takes too long, they might not be interested in being friends with me anymore, (3) all I keep thinking is of myself if it's personal, I oftentimes forget to keep in touch with other people far from my work-area and (4) it's too personal; it's my own language. The only thing left to explain to them is I'm like this, and hope that they accept me or hope for a solution coming from them. But I doubt that last one, because only I know myself best. Especially true for those who really think. And I like those kinds of people.
I sometimes find it weird how I think. It's like one new root then another, and then slowly, all base roots grow on separate times depending on occasion, people, mood, and well-being. I also learn one by one from people one by one. Every year, I've noticed, there is one primary person I hang out with the entire school-year (usually never interrupted by any one else) and I always change everytime. It isn't a very assuring way of life, and I get confused because of this. One time, I even lost one good friend because of this. These relationships are all well-put, but usually not well-based. I find it depressing and annoying.
So? I'll try to change. I just need someone's help.
1 comment:
You don't really need to change toast, you just have to blend in and compromise.
I've always thought of how unstable your character is, It's like I could never guess what you were thinking. I've always thought this was how a true artist-genius-artist person was, but the problem is you keep it bottled up inside.
What's good sometimes about letting it out even if the person doesn't understand, is that it's out. There. You've told all your problems to someone.
As wise as I figured you would be, I believe others wouldn't have the answer to your problem, you can make up your mind. I know how unflattering people of this generation are to girls like you who can convey feelings through deep and meaningful words, they simply group them up as something meaningless and act stupid in return. Don't let that bother you, rather, let that concept help you get through them. Dumb down.
What the hell am I saying.
Anyway, I regret that we've never really talked about anything important the whole time of me knowing you, but remember when everyone has turned their backs on you, you could always talk to me ^^ I do love giving advice to friends in need.
Take care dear.
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